Darcy's Anapestic Adventure

Posted on Thursday, 22 May 2008

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Darcy's Adventure in Hertfordshire
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It happens routinely, year in and year out
when my friend Mister Bingley meanders about
with the object of finding a suitable wife
and he cares not a fig what it does to my life.

If Bingley continues to move out of town
then I'll just have to burn his new manor house down.
I've told him before that there's hardly a chance
that the ladies out there even know how to dance.

The only thing women out there will have learned
is to manage a cow and to handle a churn.
If all that he wants is a wife he can flaunt
then he's better off snagging the next debutante.

To give an example of what I've been through,
just listen to what Bingley once made me do.
Last April in Oxfordshire Bingley was caught
by a girl who insisted on tying the knot.

A gentleman always should honour his lies
but a problem might call for a quick compromise.
That April we needed to stifle a mess
so I paid out substantial financial redress.

And still he insists upon leasing a house
in the hope that its splendour will catch him a spouse.
But all he is likely to find at his door
is a line-up of mothers with daughters galore.

So now he has moved into Netherfield Hall
which is almost as far as the state of Nepal.
It's true that I live quite a bit farther still
but the journey to my house is mostly downhill.

So now I am stuck in his lonely estate
and I'm sitting here watching my pupils dilate.
I really would like to ride out on a tour
but the air here at Netherfield smells of manure.

On Saturday, Bingley would not let me dodge
a monotonous visit to old Lucas Lodge.
One daughter too youthful and one past her prime
just confirms my suspicion we're wasting our time.

Sir William held forth on a topic I dread,
namely all of the girls who are anxious to wed.
He spoke without letting me get in a word.
King George had gone mad when that Knight was conferred.

It seems there are plenty of ladies nearby
who are waiting around for a man to apply.
The King girl, the Johnston twins; there's quite a few,
so Bingley's fired up by the work left to do.

The Bennets, however, are drowning in tears
for their mother has girls coming out of her ears.
Whatever possessed that poor woman to bear
only man-hungry females and no proper heir?

No sooner had Bingley got word of that crew
than he rode out to Longbourn to give them a view.
But since their Papa kept them hidden all night,
I have to assume they're a horrible sight.

I know what these feminine cougars are like.
As soon as they're born they are taught how to strike.
My head starts to hurt and I go for a ride
in the hope that my stupor will start to subside.

I notice two girls who are walking ahead
and I wish I was back in the parlour instead.
They veer off the path and then start their approach.
They clearly have learned from a very good coach.

They've probably heard that old Netherfield Hall
has been leased by two very fine gents for the fall.
I really should turn and just gallop away
but I don't want the letdown to ruin their day.

But when they get closer I'm somewhat surprised
by the wonderful pulchritude dazzling my eyes.
I never believed such perfection was here,
that beauties like these could be living so near.

Perhaps they're the Johnstons I've heard all about.
I guess I was wrong and there's no female drought.
The sight of these girls starts to quicken my blood
so I reach for my hat and it falls in the mud.

They seem not to notice my clumsy display
for they don't get to meet such a gent every day.
Their gaze is averted a moment or two.
At least they don't giggle like most women do.

Now hold on a minute, before I forget.
I've never been caught by a rustic girl yet.
I have a few rules that I don't contravene
but these girls on the road are like nothing I've seen.

Tomorrow's the fanciest ball of the year
and I think it's to honour our presence up here.
I'd like to stay home and avoid the applause
but just think of the great disappointment I'd cause.

I find when we get to this Meryton shed
that the ballroom's so small that I might bump my head.
So many are here and they all look our way
but the odours in here cause my lungs to decay.

The smell in this ballroom is like a fish stew
so I'm glad that I didn't wear anything new.
Last May up in Oxford a lesson was learned
when I had to have seven cravats duly burned.

It seems that each county has smells of its own
and you have to be sure to wear lots of cologne.
Last May I held Bingley's head under a spout
just to get the aroma of Oxfordshire out.

I'll try to be pleasant till something goes wrong,
for Bingley just might have been right all along.
With girls like the Johnston twins tight in our grip,
this might just be Bingley's most bountiful trip.

Behind me the words of Sir William resound
and he offers to help introduce me around.
"The Johnstons, I hear, you've been asking about.
You'll find them an interesting pair I've no doubt."

It sounds like I'm now on a slippery slope
for an "interesting" girl never offers much hope.
He points at two girls by the dining room door
but it turns out their faces could stop a wild boar.

How could I have made such a dreadful mistake?
Miss King is no better: my eyeballs now ache.
But look at that woman who's smiling my way.
That beautiful girl on the road yesterday!

I guess I was wrong about Bingley's crusades
for it seems that they now may be paying in spades.
This girl is as lovely as any I've seen
and I daresay she vindicates Bingley's routine.

A quick little query and what do I find?
That lady is sweetness and beauty combined.
Jane Bennet's her name and her feminine arts
have destroyed quite a number of masculine hearts.

But wait! Does she hail from that family of five?
With five of them how do they ever survive?
With beauty like that she cannot still be free.
I'll wager she's waiting for someone like me.

I'd better go over and bring her a chair.
I'd better show up before Bingley gets there.
To dance with her must be a most pleasant task
but it seems that the men are too timid to ask.

Her shape is the loveliest I've ever seen.
I'll bet that she'd make quite a birthing machine.
Her ample proportions are quite well dispersed,
but oh my good god! Bingley got to her first!

Well what is the point now of trying too hard
when there's nothing to do in this smelly old yard?
This sort of thing happens again and again.
Now Bingley's made off with that beautiful Jane.

That traitorous Bingley comes over to check
but it's all I can do not to strangle his neck.
He points to a girl and he says there's no harm
if I saunter on over and show off my charm.

My mood by this time is as black as can be
so my consummate charm carries no guarantee.
I put on my very best look of disdain
and I say right out loud that I think she's too plain.

Now Bingley brings Jane and they ask if I might
have a dance with her sister who's sat out all night.
For Jane I'll comply and I give her a bow
but she points to the girl I insulted just now.

That girl jumps right up though her ego's in shreds
and she eyes me as if I were growing two heads.
And now that my foot's firmly stuck in my mouth,
this whole blasted evening's completely gone south.