Chapter 1

Posted on Saturday, 17 June 2006

It was ten o’clock in the evening when Elizabeth heard the sound of the key turning in the lock. She had not been expecting anyone at this hour and put down her book and wine glass in alarm.

“Who is there?” she called out.

“It’s me, Paul.” The door opened and he walked in, handsome in gray slacks and a crisp blue shirt, tie loosened and jacket slung carelessly over his shoulder. Elizabeth flew out of her chair with a bright smile and threw her arms around him.

“I didn’t think you would be here! I know you had a meeting and I thought you would be too tired to come over, but I’m so happy you did! You must be exhausted, let me get you a drink and something to eat…” Her voice trailed off when she noticed that Paul was not returning her embrace. She looked up at him and there were fatigue lines around his eyes and his mouth was set in a grim line.

“My meeting actually ended several hours ago.” He said, disengaging himself from her. “I’ve been driving around for a while and thinking. I think we should talk.”

Elizabeth sighed and sat down, immediately worried. “This sounds really serious, Paul. Tell me what’s wrong.”

He was still standing in the middle of the room, his jacket still slung over his shoulder, a frown distorting his features. His eyes were moving to the walls, the floor, anywhere but to Elizabeth.

“Paul, please, you’re really beginning to scare me. Please, just sit down, let me get you a drink.”

“No, I don’t want a drink, Elizabeth.” There was a pause, which seemed to Elizabeth to last forever.

When Paul finally looked at her, Elizabeth almost flinched from the intensity of his gaze.

“Elizabeth…” he said finally in a strangled voice. “What’s happening with us?”

Elizabeth shook her head in confusion. “What do you mean? I don’t understand. Us?”

“Yes, us. Our relationship. Do you ever think about the future? Where do you see us in a year… in five years… or do you see us in the future at all?” His voice sounded almost frantic and he looked at her searchingly with blazing eyes.

Elizabeth had always been afraid of this conversation. It had inevitably come up in most of her relationships and it was always the same. She could usually deflect it with some well timed humor and mild seduction until the guy forgot his disappointment at her emotional distance, but when she looked at Paul, she knew that he needed and deserved much more. She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked down at her hands.

She said quietly: “I don’t think about the future. I thought that we agreed - we were just going to have a good time and not pressure each other…”

Paul also hung his head and his voice choked. “I know. I know that’s what we said. And I’ve tried to play by your rules, Elizabeth, I’ve really tried, but I can’t live like this anymore. I want more of you. I want to be with you and have you look at me like I’m the only man in the world.”

Elizabeth walked over to him and gently put her hand on his cheek. “But Paul, you know that you are the only man in my life. I would never be unfaithful to you.”

“You are willfully misunderstanding, Elizabeth, and you know it. I want to be the only man in your life now and forever. I want to be able to hold you and tell you that I love you without being afraid that you will pull away. I want to plan for you and for our future children. I want so much that my heart is full… I want you to love me.” The last words were barely a whisper, but Elizabeth recoiled from them as if from a slap. The depth of his feelings filled her with profound sadness because she knew - in a blinding flash she realized that she had always known - that she could never return them, could never love him the way he deserved to be loved. She dropped her hand from his cheek and stepped back, putting some distance between their bodies.

“I’m sorry, Paul. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. But you knew going into this that I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship. There was full disclosure and I never promised anything.” She knew that she sounded cold and defensive and that this was the opposite of what she should be saying, but she could not stop herself. When Paul finally looked up at her, the pain and resentment in his eyes lashed at her like a whip. I am doing it again, she thought. I am deliberately hurting another person so that I don’t have to feel, don’t have to take responsibility. And he doesn’t deserve it. At that moment, she hated herself more than she ever had before.

Letting herself just feel, she stepped forward again and threw her arms around him, enfolding him in a shaking embrace. “I’m so sorry, Paul.” She whispered brokenly over and over again. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone. I don’t think these walls are ever going to come down. You deserve someone so much better than I am. You deserve someone so much better than I could ever be.”

For a minute, Paul held her close, inhaling her scent and pressing himself into her as if memorizing her body. “I thought I could make you love me.” he whispered against her hair. Then, he let her go.

He looked at her with finality. “Goodbye, Elizabeth.” he said in a voice that was now controlled and devoid of emotion.

Elizabeth was registering everything in as if in slow motion. She wanted to cry out and stop him, to tell him that she could try again, that she could try to love him, but she was paralyzed by the knowledge that no matter how hard she tried, it wouldn’t be any good.

The floor vibrated with his footsteps. The key she had given him made a metallic clang on the countertop. The door slammed shut and the room sank into a heavy silence.

Elizabeth’s motor skills returned and she ran to the window, pressing her face to the glass, watching Paul walk to his car, start it and drive into the darkness. He never looked back.

Chapter 2

Elizabeth was still staring out of the window at the empty, and now quiet, street, when the telephone rang. She picked it up mechanically, seeing her best friend, Charlotte’s, phone number on the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Lizzy? Are you okay? Your voice sounds awful!”

“It’s over between me and Paul, Char.”

“Oh?” Charlotte sounded mildly sarcastic. “Another victim on the Elizabeth Bennet pyre? How did the poor guy take it?”

Elizabeth took a deep breath – Charlotte’s comments hit home and hit hard. She said sharply: “It isn’t what you think – he walked out on me.”

There was a momentary silence on the other end. “Well, if you are hoping for some pity, forget about it. He is a great guy and you should have let him go a long time ago.”

“Thanks, what a friend you are.”

Charlotte relented a little. “I’m sorry, Lizzy,” she said in a softer tone, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that you do this every time! You make some poor schmuck fall in love with you and then you close yourself off so that he has no chance. Then, instead of letting him go his own way, you give him just enough to make him stay around, always hoping for more. Then, when you get bored, you cut him loose.”

Elizabeth listened in stunned silence to her friend’s impassioned outburst. “You make me seem so cold-hearted and calculating.” she said quietly.

“Lizzy, I know you don’t mean to hurt anyone. I’m sorry, I probably should not have said anything. I was just frustrated because Paul is… he is one of the good guys out there, and I think you really wounded him.”

“No, don’t apologize.” Elizabeth suddenly felt very tired. “Listen, why don’t we get a cup of coffee tomorrow night after work and we can talk about it, okay?”

“All right, but you’re sure you aren’t mad at me?”

“Positive. Let’s just talk tomorrow.”

The room was silent once again. Elizabeth sat on her window seat, looking out into the darkness. She wanted to be mad at Charlotte and she wanted to feel sorry for herself, but in truth, she could not. After all, Charlotte knew her better than anyone else, except maybe her sister Jane, and Charlotte was completely right.

Elizabeth took a mental stock of her relationships since him – there had been actors and artists, lawyers and stock brokers; there had been summer flings, whirlwind romances and some that developed naturally out of friendships; none had lasted longer than three or four months and none had left an enduring impression on her heart. Paul had been different – Charlotte was right about that also – he was nice.

Before, Elizabeth never felt bad about not loving someone back. She tended to date men who were “safe,” who she knew were probably too selfish or too self-absorbed to develop a deep lasting attachment and thus would not be devastated when she wanted out. The relationships would be fun, companionable – someone to go to jazz clubs and drive up the coast with, to exchange ideas with and argue about politics and books. There would be no emotional commitment and when they parted, they almost always parted amicably and Elizabeth still retained an email correspondence with a few.

Paul came into her life accidentally – literally, because he rear-ended her in the Los Angeles rush hour traffic. She had bolted out of the car, ready to scream bloody murder, but the words melted on her lips when she saw a very apologetic pair of large brown eyes which were attached to a full mouth and a tall muscular frame. The stranger admitted his fault completely, offered to pay for everything (although there was no damage to her car) and immediately asked her to dinner to “make up” for being such an “oblivious klutz.” He was so soft spoken and adorable and with such a sunny smile, that she could not but agree. During dinner, they talked about music, traveling and the beach, and she felt like they had known each other forever. They saw each other frequently, never giving a name to their connection. Elizabeth made sure to tell him, as she always told every guy she went out with, that she had a very busy career, many friends and a large extended family, and just wanted to have someone who would occasionally take her away from the cares of the everyday world. Paul had seemed to understand and did not put pressure on her – they saw each other whenever she wanted it and Paul did not initiate any uncomfortable confessions of feelings. He simply took care of her, always gentle and kind, sweet and funny, and in gratitude, she had also come to care for him in her own way. Their lovemaking, too, was leisurely, slow and satisfying, and in the comfort of Paul’s embrace, Elizabeth made herself forget what the other kind could be like. As weeks turned into months, Elizabeth sometimes vaguely thought that, though she felt no overwhelming passion for him, Paul would at some point want more, but she was so happy and comfortable, that she pushed these disturbing thoughts aside. Until tonight, when Paul had indeed wanted more, and she knew, truly knew, that she, though she cared deeply for him, she just did not feel enough to give him the kind of love that he deserved. Elizabeth shuddered again, remembering the tortured look in his eyes. As someone who prided herself on her perception and ability to understand people, she should have seen all the signs and recognized the situation a long time ago. It was cruel to have kept him hoping that someday she would be ready to love him.

Elizabeth realized that all this time, with Paul as well as with the others, she had unconsciously been guarding her emotions, afraid of opening herself to someone and getting her heart broken. It seemed so silly and juvenile, but how did one get rid of an insecurity that stemmed so deeply? She had recognized it for what it was, but too late – her failure had injured a very good person, and she felt the bitterness of her own behavior. She had to face the fact that she had hurt someone – not deliberately, but it was her selfishness that kept her from recognizing and doing what needed to be done. She did not know whether she would be able to forgive herself.